A comment I posted on Paulo Coelho's blog

The research on Frame of Reference goes to prove that the human mind is a function of all life experiences of a person. Therefore this is also unique and like the DNA of an individual. My life experiences make “me”. This is science and there are numerous scientific research on the psychology of perception, notions of assimilation and accommodation, Framing etc.
However what is of particular interest to me and which is somewhat beyond our current bounds of science, is what the Hindu philosophy calls the Brahma. According to this philosophy, the individual is part of a larger whole – the Brahma - the infinite source of energy. We are all aware of the ‘brain’, but what is it that we call our “soul”? The soul is that part of our being which links us with this entire universe as it is part of the entire collection of energy that could be. This common and collective “soul” is what brings with it commonalities which exists between the human beings inspite of sever differences in culture, experiences and genes.The soul – which Paulo Coelho goes to discover in a greater depth in his book “the eleven minutes” is something that binds the human race and it is the “soul” that is the “light” and the “voice” that speaks to each one of us. It is the Soul which makes the “warriors of the light” one common whole inspite of being geographically and emotionally distributed.

The Zahir : The emotions that I experienced

I just completed reading the book by Paulo Coelho “The Zahir”. It is a fantastic story of an individual’s journey of discovering himself. This book has created two very powerful reactions in me. One of complete agreement to what the author has to say. The other of disagreement because it raises in me several unanswered questions that I have come to know as valid questions in these 31 years of my life.

In this book the author explains how he had to loose his inhibitions, his past and all the boundaries set by society in order to find true love and discover himself. His theory is based on a constant, that the society and human history teaches us the norms of “good” or “bad” the “normal” or the “abnormal”. We use and follow rules blindly, The rules set by history of the civilization that we now call our own. His construct is based on his belief that in order to be able to enjoy life to the fullest and help others to enjoy life to the fullest, a human mind has to break away from the bounds of society and norms and feel the free wind of independence. Then and only then can one love unconditionally and passionately.

Reaction One: Just to give an example, I understand and agree to where the author is coming from and I understand the reality in his thoughts. For example, ‘the institution of marriage having originated from the need to make food available for all’ this is a radical idea that is so unique and possibly true.
Indiscriminate copulation in the ancient man’s tribe caused a high birth rate and therefore the pressure on the adults to find food and shelter and protection for the weak babies which in that time and place was an extremely daunting task. So the wise and powerful decreed that a man / a woman can only copulate with one chosen person of the other sex. This helped bring down the birthrate and hence the pressure on the ancient human nomadic tribes to provide for the weak babies.
That norm, which then was a necessity metamorphosed to become a taboo as civilization developed. To the extent, that today anything outside a monogamous marriage is a crime. But, honestly how many among us who have been in long-term relationships or marriages, can cross our hearts and say that we have never for once since the beginning of our relationship felt attracted to another individual sexually or otherwise!! Yes, we are living in denial of our capacity to love. What was once a necessity has today become an inhibitor to the extent that it has led highly accomplished human societies to discriminate based on gender and sexual orientation. Today the purpose is more to control a human mind’s unlimited ability to love than food.

Reaction Two: The second reaction which was strong and undeniable when I read this book is of confusion. The human mind is capable of unconditional and unlimited love. This is from the author. However what do we understand when we say love? Is it just copulation? Is it just the need to be “myself” with a loved one? Is it the need for individuality? Is it as the author says accepting anything and everything that the other person has to say or do?
What about the love that a mother feels for her new born after having gone through the intense pain of child birth?
My point is, why do we make sacrifices? If it is not for love, then for what? If we were all driven by the need to be just ourselves and do what just what we individually want to do.. then why or what will compel our loved one to follow us or to find us?
Individualism is great, but if driven too far, individualism that the author speaks of can cause more wars than love. No two human beings are alike. Some like the mountains more than the sea. Some like red more than the blue and some like running verses swimming. All out needs and wants are different. If the meaning of love is to accept and want individuality, it will invariably lead to conflict of wants and then more war.

Individualism is good from a very personal perspective. However, can we put ourselves in the shoes of parents and still say that individuality is the only thing that is important for love? What about the noble cause of sacrifice for another? What does a poor mother feel when she eats a bite less in order to give one fulfilling meal to her child? Does she tire of doing that? Ever? Will I tire of ever being proud when my child comes home with A+? Is this not a game of give and take? Is this not natural? Is it something that is decreed by society? Is this dependence making me less perfect in my love for my child?

These are questions I am not sure I have the correct answer to. The whole concept of what is “correct” gets somewhat warped. Which I think is the overall purpose of the author.

My personal take: It is important to respect individuality however love is not a function of individuality. It is a function of giving up ones individuality for another.
Individuality is like putting a lock on a door and saying “from here on it is my territory and I am the only one who will decide who gets in” . To me, the ‘lock and key’ is the point of origin of all communalism. It begins from “my room” to “My house” to “My language” to “My region” to “My culture” to “My country” and “My religion”
The day we will be able to get rid of all these “locks & keys” and agree that there is nothing that is every going to be “mine”. That will be the day we will experience unconditional and unlimited love universally.

Other blogs on this book that I read :
http://elevation02.blogspot.com/2007/04/zahir-by-paulo-coelho.html
http://pinoymomsnetwork.com/2007/07/07/try-reading-the-zahir-by-paulo-coelho/#comment-4205

Mindsets that can help us live better lives

I am currently reading a book by Dale Carnegie, which many of you might have seen on the bookshelves of several bookstores. It is called, ‘How to stop worrying and start living”. http://www.amazon.com/How-Stop-Worrying-Start-Living/dp/0671733354

In this book, the author in his well recognized style shares with the reader several fantastic learnings like:

• Live in day tight compartments: “Shut out the yesterdays which have lighted fools the way to dusty death.. The load of tomorrow” . Shut off the future as tightly as the past. The future is today
• What is the worst that can possibly happen if I can’t solve my problem? : When in a tight corner, which appears like a dead end with no light at the end of the tunnel to live for. Ask yourself this question, and prepare for the worst.
• Our life is what our thought makes of it.
• Put a “Stop – Loss” order on your worries: What is the last limit upto which I am go gin to worry about / complain about / hold a grudge on, on a particular issue. This is particularly good to keep in mind when you are in a conflict.
• Instead of worrying about in gratitude, let’s expect it: A human brain forgets, so don’t be disappointed and let your heart bleed when a person you have helped a lot forgets about what you did for him / her. Also, there is only so much thanks that you will get for something that you have done. People will not continue to thank you through their life for something that you have done for them.

Several other “rules” that helps one to really control / help not worry any more!!!
He shares with the reader umpteen number of examples of how some exemplary people and other ordinary people like you and me have used number of these rules / worry management techniques and have ended up leading a wonderful life.
In the same breath he also talks about numerous examples from all around him and other famous people, who are intelligent, often highly educated, and yet, they could not manage their worries. Some have lost their lives to worrying other have lost the best of relationships to it.
One classic example is Leo Tolstoy and his young wife. Each of them maintained seperate diaries all throughout their life where they wrote down, how the other has wronged the writer and how he / she has suffered for that. Each had their own version and both were probably honest. Having been married for 8 years now, I can speak from experience, how miserable Tolstoy's lasy years must have been. When, I have my similar tiffs at home, it really hurts, till I can make up.

This got me thinking, and I wanted to know why is it that some people have succeeded in overcoming their worried and some have not. Though not statistically validated, but my assumption is, both categories would have similar numbers and similar profiles of people. There where is the difference?
In the quest of this question, I was directed to another website by an old firend from XLRI : http://www.itconversations.com/shows/detail1011.html

Here is where Dr. Moira Gunn speaks to Dr. Carol Dweck, the Lewis and Virginia Eaton Professor of Psychology at Stanford University, a recognized world leader in the study of personality, and author of Mindset, her new book. I hread a podcast on this site where she talks about her thoughts on the human nature.
There I think I found the answer. But before we get to the answer, here is what I understood of Dr. Dweck’s philosophy:
She talks about basically two kinds of mindset that people have in general:

1. The Fixed Mindset: where everything is fixed and definite. For example, who I am as a person is fixed. My basic qualities / abilities / inabilities like intelligence, interpersonal skills or personalities are fixed and cast in stone of which I have of a certain amount only.
When we have this mindset, we need to have means and ways of proving oneself by not making mistakes, making sure I am worthy etc. In this mindset, people are good / bad OR competent / incompetent etc. There is always a need to be able to reach a definite conclusion. There is an example that the author shares with the reader, when something goes wrong at home, the fixed mindset will always need someone to blame.. to be able to find a conclusion to what caused this. When there is something going wrong at work, there is always a need to prove that I am correct / something is right and another thing is wrong. There is no scope for stretching / growing or developing as an individual.

2. The Growth Mindset: Where everything has a possibility to change. Everything is situational. My basic qualities / abilities / inabilities like intelligence, interpersonal skills or personalities are things that I can continue to build throughout my life. For example, if there is a problem that I am expected resolve, but I cannot resolve it, it does not mean that I am bad or incapable. It just means that I am unable to solve this problem. Nothing more, nothing less. There is no conclusion to be arrived at. Everything is on a continuum.

According to Dr. Dweck, the several laboratory tests that they have conducted, it has been seen that a Growth Mindset, helps people deal with failures, rejections and setbacks better. Which in essence is what Dale Carnegie is speaking about when he is trying to help us stop worrying and start living.

Classical example: When we are young, and we are looking for our perfect partner, when we are young many times we were looking for Prince Charming / the Dream Girl. Someone who would look at me and adore me.. someone ,who would make me look good and perfect in my eyes. Little do we realize that at any given point of time, I am a 'work a progress', the prince charming / the dream girl is also 'a work in progress'! So often , coming from a fixed mindset, any unexpected negative incident in the relationship either meant “ he / she doesn’t like me anymore” OR “ He/ She is not what I thought him / her to be” OR “I don’t think I am worthy of him/ her”. This often leads to end of that relationship.

In a fixed mindset, a failure is a way of telling you who you are. Rejections / obstacles label you / tell you who you are. They tell you, you might have thought you were smart, but you are not. Then you become a slave to your own expectations of yourself / others expectations of you. That adds to worry and is what Milton discovered several hundred years ago: “the mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a heaven of Hell, a hell of Heaven” – as quoted in Dale Carnegie’s book.
In the Growth Mindset, they are not life defining / self defining experiences just bumps along the way. This mindset makes you think “So should I try another way?” These are not mistakes, or failures, just not the right way of getting the desired result right now.
It is important therefore to understand and consciously try to look at the bright side of things. It is important to remember what Henry Ford said “think you can, think you can’t either way you will be right”.

My take is: It is people with a Growth Mindset, who can actually, really and truly stop worrying and start living. People with Fixed Mindset first need to work on their mindset andthen move it to a Growth mindset.
As propagated by William James (well known practical psychologist), we cannot instantly change our emotions or mindset. But what we can consciously change is our actions or behaviors, which can then automatically impact our feelings and mindsets.

So now, Behavior does not only impact others perception of you as a human being, it also impacts you as a person. So my belief is: If I can start behaving in a fashion which will help me look at life as an on-going and ever evolving process, I am equipping myself to handle rejections and failures better. In other words, Stop Worrying and Start Living.

Fixed to Growth: the new mantra of happiness and continuous learning.