Mindsets that can help us live better lives
I am currently reading a book by Dale Carnegie, which many of you might have seen on the bookshelves of several bookstores. It is called, ‘How to stop worrying and start living”. http://www.amazon.com/How-Stop-Worrying-Start-Living/dp/0671733354
In this book, the author in his well recognized style shares with the reader several fantastic learnings like:
- Live in day tight compartments: “Shut out the yesterdays which have lighted fools the way to dusty death.. The load of tomorrow” . Shut off the future as tightly as the past. The future is today
- What is the worst that can possibly happen if I can’t solve my problem? : When in a tight corner, which appears like a dead end with no light at the end of the tunnel to live for. Ask yourself this question, and prepare for the worst.
- Our life is what our thought makes of it.
- Put a “Stop – Loss” order on your worries: What is the last limit upto which I am go gin to worry about / complain about / hold a grudge on, on a particular issue. This is particularly good to keep in mind when you are in a conflict.
- Instead of worrying about in gratitude, let’s expect it: A human brain forgets, so don’t be disappointed and let your heart bleed when a person you have helped a lot forgets about what you did for him / her. Also, there is only so much thanks that you will get for something that you have done. People will not continue to thank you through their life for something that you have done for them.
Several other “rules” that helps one to really control / help not worry any more!!!
He shares with the reader umpteen number of examples of how some exemplary people and other ordinary people like you and me have used number of these rules / worry management techniques and have ended up leading a wonderful life.
In the same breath he also talks about numerous examples from all around him and other famous people, who are intelligent, often highly educated, and yet, they could not manage their worries. Some have lost their lives to worrying other have lost the best of relationships to it.
One classic example is Leo Tolstoy and his young wife. Each of them maintained seperate diaries all throughout their life where they wrote down, how the other has wronged the writer and how he / she has suffered for that. Each had their own version and both were probably honest. Having been married for 8 years now, I can speak from experience, how miserable Tolstoy's lasy years must have been. When, I have my similar tiffs at home, it really hurts, till I can make up.
This got me thinking, and I wanted to know why is it that some people have succeeded in overcoming their worried and some have not. Though not statistically validated, but my assumption is, both categories would have similar numbers and similar profiles of people. There where is the difference?
In the quest of this question, I was directed to another website by an old firend from XLRI : http://www.itconversations.com/shows/detail1011.html
There I think I found the answer. But before we get to the answer, here is what I understood of Dr. Dweck’s philosophy:
She talks about basically two kinds of mindset that people have in general:
1. The Fixed Mindset: where everything is fixed and definite. For example, who I am as a person is fixed. My basic qualities / abilities / inabilities like intelligence, interpersonal skills or personalities are fixed and cast in stone of which I have of a certain amount only.
When we have this mindset, we need to have means and ways of proving oneself by not making mistakes, making sure I am worthy etc. In this mindset, people are good / bad OR competent / incompetent etc. There is always a need to be able to reach a definite conclusion. There is an example that the author shares with the reader, when something goes wrong at home, the fixed mindset will always need someone to blame.. to be able to find a conclusion to what caused this. When there is something going wrong at work, there is always a need to prove that I am correct / something is right and another thing is wrong. There is no scope for stretching / growing or developing as an individual.
2. The Growth Mindset: Where everything has a possibility to change. Everything is situational. My basic qualities / abilities / inabilities like intelligence, interpersonal skills or personalities are things that I can continue to build throughout my life. For example, if there is a problem that I am expected resolve, but I cannot resolve it, it does not mean that I am bad or incapable. It just means that I am unable to solve this problem. Nothing more, nothing less. There is no conclusion to be arrived at. Everything is on a continuum.
According to Dr. Dweck, the several laboratory tests that they have conducted, it has been seen that a Growth Mindset, helps people deal with failures, rejections and setbacks better. Which in essence is what Dale Carnegie is speaking about when he is trying to help us stop worrying and start living.
Classical example: When we are young, and we are looking for our perfect partner, when we are young many times we were looking for Prince Charming / the Dream Girl. Someone who would look at me and adore me.. someone ,who would make me look good and perfect in my eyes. Little do we realize that at any given point of time, I am a 'work a progress', the prince charming / the dream girl is also 'a work in progress'! So often , coming from a fixed mindset, any unexpected negative incident in the relationship either meant “ he / she doesn’t like me anymore” OR “ He/ She is not what I thought him / her to be” OR “I don’t think I am worthy of him/ her”. This often leads to end of that relationship.
In a fixed mindset, a failure is a way of telling you who you are. Rejections / obstacles label you / tell you who you are. They tell you, you might have thought you were smart, but you are not. Then you become a slave to your own expectations of yourself / others expectations of you. That adds to worry and is what Milton discovered several hundred years ago: “the mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a heaven of Hell, a hell of Heaven” – as quoted in Dale Carnegie’s book.
In the Growth Mindset, they are not life defining / self defining experiences just bumps along the way. This mindset makes you think “So should I try another way?” These are not mistakes, or failures, just not the right way of getting the desired result right now.
It is important therefore to understand and consciously try to look at the bright side of things. It is important to remember what Henry Ford said “think you can, think you can’t either way you will be right”.
My take is: It is people with a Growth Mindset, who can actually, really and truly stop worrying and start living. People with Fixed Mindset first need to work on their mindset andthen move it to a Growth mindset.
As propagated by William James (well known practical psychologist), we cannot instantly change our emotions or mindset. But what we can consciously change is our actions or behaviors, which can then automatically impact our feelings and mindsets.
So now, Behavior does not only impact others perception of you as a human being, it also impacts you as a person. So my belief is: If I can start behaving in a fashion which will help me look at life as an on-going and ever evolving process, I am equipping myself to handle rejections and failures better. In other words, Stop Worrying and Start Living.
Fixed to Growth: the new mantra of happiness and continuous learning.
Comments
Well, she says that we can move. My take is, these mindsets are opposite poles of the same continuum. You can be anywhere in between. So the difficulty part will depend on how deep you are on the opposite side. To me, the very consciousness that you might be of a Fixed mindset, means half the battle is won. Now all one needs to do is chalk out a plan as to how one can move to the Growth side.